In the popular fifties television show, “I've Got A Secret,” a panel of celebrities asked
questions in an attempt to uncover a guest’s “secret” within an allotted time frame …
sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
I, too, had a “secret” – a deep, dark and deadly one that brought me to the brink of
insanity. When I share my story, I find that many of my listeners, too, have a secret time
that they would go back and change if it were possible. Like them, my secret buried me
in guilt, isolation, indescribable shame, self hate, and absolutely no self worth, separated
from my Savior. I lived sixteen wasted years: feeling unlovable, a disastrous divorce, and
two failed suicide attempts.
Abortion was supposed to be good for women. It was legal, and laws are made to protect
us. I was 39 and married with two beautiful daughters. The youngest was adopted.
Doctors said I couldn't conceive again, yet I did. It was unplanned and inconvenient.
“Well, lucky for you!” I was told. “Today you have a choice. It’s not a baby yet, and we
can take care of the problem.” It was still just cells; so I thought. There was no
counseling! No options!
In selfishness, I convinced my husband and had an abortion at about 4 ½ months. After
the introduction of the saline into my uterus came a second appointment for the
extraction. After the “tissue” was removed, I unexpectedly got a glimpse of the lifeless
body, and then came the “thud” as my baby was thrown into a garbage can at the head
of my bed. I was panic-stricken; the nurse callously told me, “Calm down, in a few days
all would be back to normal.”
Lucky? Normal? No one forewarned me of the repercussions of an abortion. It was a
simple procedure of removing “tissue,” so why the pain, the sudden emptiness? I awoke
night after night to the sound of screams, they were mine! There are no words to
express the deep dark hole I found myself in, no phrase to describe the depth of my
Prayers for forgiveness went seemingly unanswered. Although I’d been a church-goer
all my life – attending services and singing in choir regularly – I now ran from God,
thinking “He wouldn't want a murderer in His House.”
Even the birth of my beautiful son later could not fill the void. It took a nervous
breakdown for God to get my attention. After months of being unable to work and seeing
three counselors, I began to understand. A pastor friend walked me through scriptures
of love, forgiveness, mercy and grace. I began to drink in God’s Word like a dry sponge.
I found the God I ran from was the one I should have “rushed to.” If you break your arm,
you qualify for a cast; a deep cut qualifies you for stitches. When you sin? With
repentance, you qualify for forgiveness! Jesus Christ, Son of God, forgave me the first
time I had cried out to Him; I needed to forgive myself.
Once I accepted God’s free gift of mercy and grace, I offered my life to His service. I
would go and speak whatever He directed, wherever He opened an opportunity,
whatever the cost might be. Since that night I lay prone on the floor, unbelievable doors
have opened by His hand. “Remembering Sara” has been blessed by speaking venues
in amazing places: forums at the United Nations; a presidential committee at the White
House; on the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court; at the Idaho State Capital; two weeks to
Israel; Madrid, Spain for three weeks; and, four three-week tours to Australia that
included speaking to two different parliaments. I have been invited back for my fourth
tour in Ecuador. Other countries with inquiries include Chili, Panama, Ukraine, Hungary,
and the Philippines.
Doors have been opened to speak at graduate medical schools, pastoral colleges,
senates, parliaments, retreats, youth conferences, and to archbishops, television, radio,
Wherever I am allowed, I talk with young students about abstinence, pregnancy,
abortion, and diseases. I now gladly share my secret and my Jesus with anyone,
anywhere. I promised my Savior, “Where you send me, I will go” – to Him I owe the full life
I enjoy today and my future in Heaven.
|“There are no words to
express the deep dark
hole I found myself in,
no phrase to describe the
depth of my despair. …
Once I accepted God’s
free gift of mercy and
grace, I offered my life
to His service.”
Learn more about
Kay and her ministry,
Remembering Sara, at:
Kay has traveled in the
U.S. and to other
countries to share her
message of hope and
healing. Trips include
Australia, New Zealand,
Israel, Spain, Holland,
Chile, and Ecuador