"What seemed like an
end to a short-term
problem turned out to be a
life-long journey of regret
and remorse. Abortion
nearly killed me. "
Kay Lyn Carlson, Kansas
    I had no idea at the time how much I loved Jacob, the baby I lost to abortion in
1980 when I was 17-years-old. I want America to know that while the abortionist
was taking the life of my baby, I was clueless about the after-effects of the “choice”
I made. The barrenness of my soul does not get com-forted on this earth because
he’s gone, no more. What seemed like an end to a short term problem turned out
to be a life-long journey of regret and re-morse. Abortion nearly killed me.
    Years later and a social worker, the aftermath I suffered – the amount of grief,
shame, anxiety, depression – is inconceivable to me. Even with the education,
therapy, recovery groups, and more that I have benefited from, abortion still
haunts me today.
     The day of my abortion, I remember sitting with about 16 girls dressed in white
gowns ready for our “no-worries, everything’s-going-to-be-fine procedure” in
Kansas City. I was the one crying, physically shaking, and rocking back and forth,
waiting for my turn. One girl commented that I was making her nervous and
scared, and others agreed.
     When the procedure was finished, we were taken to a recovery room and given
medication of some sort and a medical release form to complete. My hands were
shaking so hard that I could barely drink the water from the cup or direct the pen
to the paper.
     Years later, I experienced intrusive memories, avoidance behavior, loss of joy,
and hyper vigilance, as well as physical reactions, such as feelings of panic,
shortness of breath, sweating, and tightness in the chest.
     The most intrusive memories occurred through my dreams – nightmares.
Shortly after giving birth to my first live child, Emily, I dreamt her body was
dismembered, and put into old medicine jars in a mad scientist’s lab – her head in
one jar next to a leg in another. Another vivid dream involved Emily and me holding
on for dear life on a bridge with a raging storm underneath of us. The man in black
standing on the bridge could only save one of us. He reached his hand to mine,
and I took it, knowing Emily would die. I watched her plunge into the waves
screaming “MOMMY, mommy, mo ….” and she was no more.
     My last dream occurred several weeks ago. I have fallen off the abortion table
and was lying on the hard vinyl floor, bleeding clots in a pool of blood. The nurses
and doctors were scrambling around screaming “do something, do something, she’
s going to die.” But not one of them was doing anything. My tall hairless zombie
like appearance lay stone quiet, while life was draining out of me – alone and cold.
     There are other dreams, depression, and anxiety experiences. I have been so
depressed that I prayed for death to come and breathe over me and end the
sadness in my heart. “God, take me now,” I cried. “I cannot live this way anymore.”
Death would not answer my plea.
     Today, I know that I am not alone. I stand among the thousands who have
already gone before me to admit the poor choice of abortion hurt them. I en-
courage all women to step out in faith and speak out about the lies of abortion. I
shamelessly proclaim that abortion hurt me, and I am silent no more!
    Kay Lyn Carlson is a
professional Christian
counselor/therapist
and is the founder and
director of Choose
Grace Ministries. She
helps those who have
suffered from the
devastation of
abortion.
  Kay Lyn is married
and has three children.
Her faith has made her
strong.
   "I have been so
depressed that I
prayed for death
to come and
breathe over me
and end the
sadness in my
heart."