Jackie Bullard
Tennessee
When my doctor told me I
could never have children as
a result of my abortion, I
was devastated. That day I
knew I had taken the life of
carry.


Jackie with daughter Arrabella
I’ll never forget that day in 1984 when I had an abortion. There was no empathy,
counseling, or personal attention, only a feeling of coldness and emptiness. I was
offered nothing for pain or even a hand to hold. It felt like an assembly line, as I
was placed on a table and women were shuffled in and out. As I saw the jar filling
with the parts of my baby, I was horrified.  I told them to stop, but it was too late.
I was told to be quiet.  I knew I would never be the same.
Five days later, I went to the hospital with cramping, bleeding, and running a fever.
I had a raging infection, and an emergency D & C was done to scrape out the baby
parts that had been left inside of me.
A year later, I began to have panic attacks and thought I was losing my mind. I
became very depressed and tried to kill myself by taking an entire bottle of pain
pills. I was home alone and unconscious for three days.
The father of my baby had moved away, and I was alone and desperate. I told no
one about the abortion. Even thought I went to a therapist for a year, he never
touched on my painful experience of the abortion.
After years of drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex, I knew my life had to change. I
moved out of the city and met and married a wonderful man. A few years later, we
began attending church, and we gave our hearts to Jesus.
We were in our thirties when we started trying to have a baby, but something was
wrong. After unsuccessful fertility treatments, a test revealed scar tissue damage
from the complications of my incomplete abortion. When the doctor told me I could
never have children, I was devastated. That day I knew I had taken the life of the
only child I would ever carry.
I thought God had forgiven me. Then, I thought he was punishing me. I hated
myself, and I wanted to die. I could not be around babies or go to baby showers. I
sank into a deep clinical depression. No one had warned me that I would ever feel
this way.
My mother suggested adoption, but I felt I could never love someone else’s child as
my own. The depression became worse, and my husband wanted to send me to a
mental hospital. I begged him not to.
I began going to church again, although I was only going through the motions.
One Sunday I went to the altar, weeping and crying out to God. Suddenly, I felt a
small hand on my shoulder. I turned around, and it was a little two-year-old girl.
She put her arms around me and told me she loved me. At that moment, I knew I
could really love someone else’s child as my own. The healing began, and we began
the adoption process. God was not through with me yet.
One night at a women’s conference, God set me free from all the guilt and shame
of my abortion, forgiving me and removing me from my personal prison. I returned
home to a call from the adoption agency, and a month later my beautiful five-
month-old daughter, Arabella, was placed in my arms. The joy was indescribable. I
carried her in my heart and labored for her in my spirit. Her name means beautiful
altar.
This is her story. Her birth mother was a drug addict and became pregnant when
she was raped. She had sought a Christian adoption agency to place her for
adoption. After giving birth, she left her in the hospital.  The agency told us that
she was a difficult placement because she had cocaine in her system, she was bi-
racial, and the circumstances in which she was conceived. But we did not hesitate.
We knew she was ours and that it was all part of God's plan.
Arabella is now six and plays a big part in the minis-try the Lord has given me. She
knows about my abortion and that she has a brother Malachi in heaven. She goes
to speaking engagements with me and is my best cheerleader. I know that God is
going to work great miracles through her. Arabella knows that God chose her to be
with us before the foundations of the earth, and she thinks that is pretty special!
We pray for her birth-mother who had the courage to give her life.
God took something ugly and turned it into some-thing beautiful.  He gave us
beauty for ashes and joy for mourning, pouring out his love and giving us a
miracle! I came to realize that in His amazing sovereignty, He sees the big picture;
we only see the snapshot.
"
"
"One night at a
women's conference,
God set me free from
all the guilt and shame
of my abortion,
forgiving me and
removing me from my
personal prison. I
returned home to a call
from the adoption
agency, and a month
later my beautiful
five-month-old
daughter, Arabella, was
placed in my arms
."
Jackie Bullard has a
heart to help women
recover from the
devastation of
abortion. She is
married with one
daughter.
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