| I was 17 when I gave up a daughter at birth for adoption. By the age of 21, I was
having a hard time raising one child, and didn't know how I would be able to decided
that abortion would solve the problem. Now that I look back, I realize if I would have
trusted God, and not this world and worldly ways, my unborn child would not have
been a problem. I was still on my path of rebellion.
The next day I went to have an abortion. I can remember feeling so unsure and
afraid. I asked the lady behind the desk if it was a baby yet and would it feel
anything. She told me that it wasn't anything yet and it wouldn't feel anything and
that my problem would be over in about 20 minutes. Looking back, I believe the
Lord was telling me not to do this, and I was ignoring what He was saying to me.
The very second that the doctor was ripping my baby from my body, I felt my baby’
s soul leaving me. I realized right then that I had just murdered my unborn baby. I
cried out and asked God to forgive me for what I had just done. I wanted to die
Afterward the abortion, my rebellion turned to destructive behavior. I tried to drink
away the memory of killing my unborn child, and I turned to drugs. My self-worth
plunged, I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother to the daughter that I had. I lost
custody of her because I was unable to keep a job and because of my destructive
lifestyle – drinking, drugs, my weight dropping to a dangerous 88 pounds, and not
caring about anything.
My daughter was the most important thing in my life before I had the abortion, but
afterward I felt I did not deserve to be a mother because of what I had done. Now I
realize if I would have made the Lord the most important person in my life,
everything else would have worked out.
I remarried and had another daughter, and I regained custody of the daughter I had
lost during the self-destructive time in my life. My family started going to church,
and I rededicated my life to the Lord. I found peace, but deep down inside I had not
forgiven myself for having an abortion. I knew that God forgave me, but I could not
Every time things went well, I would cause destruction, thinking I didn't deserved
anything good. I give God all the praise for my healing, I participated a Bible Study
called “Forgiven and Set Free,” where God’s Word healed my heart. I can now say I
have been forgiven by the Lord and I forgive myself. I no longer walk in the shame
and guilt that I walked in so many years in alone.
I have to speak out to let women know they are not alone. There still is a deep
sadness and loss for my baby, who never had a chance in life. Through the Lord
Jesus Christ, I hold my head up to speak out about how abortion hurts women,
men, and children.
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